


The wooing of Lord Voldemort

by StolenMidnightKisses



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 10:52:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18963793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StolenMidnightKisses/pseuds/StolenMidnightKisses
Summary: It's not my fault, Harry reasoned, unable to meet his eyes in the mirror because he was convinced that they would tell him that it very well was. Any normal teenager would begin thinking about... 'that' if they were questioned about it. Somewhere in his treacherous mind, a voice whispered that he was wrong.And what, you may ask, led Harry Potter to having such a crisis in the Gryffindor bathroom at 2 am at night? Simple. Ron and Hermione asking if Harry wanked off to our favourite attractive psychopath- Tom Riddle.





	The wooing of Lord Voldemort

**Author's Note:**

> This is more of a crack fic idea that seized me when I was meant to be revising- but none the less, enjoy! I have no clue where to take this though, so any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

Harry knew something was wrong the moment Hermione and Ron- looking frighteningly serious for such an early hour on Saturday morning- (and really couldn’t Harry _just_ finish his bacon before something no doubt life-threatening happened? He really needed to see a lawyer about how Saviour duties came _after_ breakfast.) dragged him from the hall and towards the empty boys dormitory Harry himself had just vacated 30 minutes ago.

Incredulously staring at his two best mates, he cocked an eyebrow. “Will you finally tell me what’s going on?”

Hermione sighed, lowering herself to sit down beside Harry on his bed. Harry became even more impossibly concerned. However, before he could voice his worry Hermione said: “You know that we’ll always support you, Harry? Even if Voldemort is the…” Hermione blushed here before looking up into Harry’s eyes resolutely, “aspect your wet dreams revolve around.”

Harry blushed, turned pale, and then a frightening shade of green “Wh- what?” He asked weakly.

Ron looked even more intently at his feet from his bed, as if he could find the answers to the universe there, his face matching the shade of red his hair was. “I mean- Harry mate- listen- you don’t put silencing charms around your bed and-” Ron winced, becoming even redder if possible “I hear you- uhh- moaning out _his_ name at night and umm…” Ron stopped again and Harry was torn between the urge to laugh or to vomit at this, gross, gross, misunderstanding. Preferably not on his bed though.

He settled on something in between- eyebrows raised and an amused smile on his lips “Well Ron, if you ever find yourself in Voldemort’s head, I wouldn’t be surprised if you moan out his name- in pain and revulsion mind you- when you see him torturing some muggles.” Ron stared at him in confusion before understanding flooded his eyes. Hermione seemed to reach the same conclusion at the same time because she chocked a little beside Harry, going red in mortification and somehow got out “We- we just thought-”

“We thought wrong.” Ron finished for her, a relieved smile stretching his face. “Merlin Harry, do you realise how hard this was for me? I thought you were wanking off to bloody You-Know-Who!”

Harry shuddered in revulsion and looked at the other 2 occupants of the dorm. “Listen, okay, we never, ever, bring this up again. I think I’m going to have nightmares.” Harry winced.

Ron and Hermione nodded resolutely, both red in mortification and they scurried out to the great hall to catch the end of breakfast.

Harry; however, couldn’t resist nudging Hermione at the breakfast table and whispering inconspicuously “Say, would the fact he has no nose make blowjobs easier for him and more pleasurable for me?”

He was incredibly gratified when Ron spluttered out his pumpkin juice across the table.


End file.
